Why don’t you sit in this nice rocking chair, dear?

Oh, you poor middle-class menopausal thing! How weak and feeble you must be! How weary and arthritic your joints; how delicate your spine; how tremulous your grip. Here, have some gentle aquacise and Tai Chi. Don’t touch those heavy weights. Don’t challenge yourself. You’ll just hurt your spleen.

What exercises are best for menopausal women? The mainstream media weighs in. Bitches, please. My osteoporotic 85-year-old grandmother, whose crumbling spine has shrunk her to a 0.8 KU (Krista Unit; 1 KU = 5 feet), is out there dispensing justice to her garden with extreme prejudice and walking in bear country 90 minutes a day. She laughs at your stupid advice. If she had a squat cage she’d be busting out the buttprints on the floor, too, but she’s too busy smashing bears in the face with a shovel.

Sure, you probably shouldn’t be running marathons if your knees are jello, but c’mon. Oddly enough, this article appeared the day before. Run nun run!