The Gospel of Sq’waht
Recently archaeologists made an amazing discovery. Buried amongst stone figurines of women with beauteous thighs was a sacred document. This document contained cosmic truths and wisdom which were intended to show the True Way to the worshipers of the Goddess of Sq’waht. I have faithfully reprinted those writings here.
BOOK 1 – The Flight from Sodom
1:1 And Sq’waht looked upon their wickedness, and lo, it was most vile.
1:2 For the men of Sodom did pump and pose, and their reps were high.
1:3 Sq’waht did call unto Lot, saying, “Three days hence, and I shall smite this city of mullets and curlers, for their is no squatter to be found amongst them.”
1:4 “Get thee, and thy woman, and thy chains, and thy bands, and thy great abundance of tuna with which Sq’waht thy Goddess hath multiplied thee for thy great faith and holiness, and get thine ass the hell out of town, for verily, the dung shall hit the fan with great force, and none shall be safe.”
1:5 And Lot did tremble, and say unto Sq’waht, “But for one righteous squatter wilt thou spare the city?”
1:6 And Sq’waht was wroth, and did say unto Lot, “See thou, the squat racks are polluted with curlers, the deadlift platforms lie fallow, none, none, there is none holy in the city. In the Smith machine do they pump their effeminate curtseys, and say that they do squat. Screw these assholes!”
1:7 And Lot did haul ass.
(thanks to guest author Billy Chambless for this one!)
BOOK 2 – The Cursing of the Stick-Legged
2:1 And it came to pass that a shadow of evil fell over the people of Sq’waht. Sq’waht looked down over Her dominion from Her steel cage, and despaired of Her creation.
2:2 For her once-loyal subjects were consumed with blasphemies, and spoke only of toning, sculpting and firming. Her sages now prophesied only of new ointments to rid the people of cellulite. Deep within the bowels of the gyms where once Amazons had strode on legs like bronzed temple columns, now teachers of Aerobik warned darkly of “bulking up” and offered their false idol of StepKlaas instead. Where steel bars, proud and true, had reached toward the sky and cradled their weighty children, now diabolical SmithmaSheens with their enslaved “easy-spotting” bars stood. And the unbelievers did squat high, their loins descending nary an inch as they boasted of “going to parallel”.
2:3 Thus Sq’waht was enraged, and dispensed Her wrath throughout the land. In the fields and factories, cities and towns, Her subjects were stricken with the plague of Stick Legs, upon which no bounty of muscle ripened. And it was thus for all the worshipers of false idols.
2:4 Yet there remained true believers who continued to venerate the Goddess in secret. Their backs were straight and noble, arching gently at the waist, and their knees never did o’ershadow their toes, even as their hamstrings caressed their calves. Yea, they did verily build the temple of their bodies atop a foundation of rock, not twigs. Among themselves they passed down the knowledge which the Stick-Legged subjects had spurned. And it was good.
2:5 The Stick Legged Ones gazed upon the disciples of Sq’waht, and became envious, since their hearts had been polluted by false idols. They renewed their efforts to turn Sq’wahtters away from the True Path. They enticed them with weights of pink vinyl, and tried to strike terror into them with fearsome tales of Eastern European he-women, and threats of backs and knees ground into powder. But the Sq’wahtters would not be swayed. Their heels drove firmly into the ground, like the roots of the mighty oak trees. Their knees remained healthy and their patellae did travel smoothly within their femoral grooves; their spines ever-stronger. The Stick Legs withered, and grew even more weak with age and a diet of naught but lettuce leaves and falsely sweetened water.
BOOK 3 – Thus Spake Sq’waht
3:1 And thus spake Sq’waht to Her followers: “Stand thou straight, and take upon thy shoulders the bar of iron, 5 cubits in length. Let not thy spine droop ‘neath its burden; rather secure thy back like the mighty walls of Jericho.”
3:2 “Then must thou drop thy ass to the floor, keeping knees behind toes as summer follows behind spring in the natural order. Let not thy weight shift onto your toes, for along that path walks the ever-present companion Laws Of Physicks, and She is a bitch goddess who tippeth her subjects forward and contriveth to rip their kneecaps from their sockets.”
3:3 “As the tallest building is necessarily driven into a solid foundation, so should thy heels drive into the floor so that thou may ascend heavenward. To assist thy upward travel, gaze also heavenward in contemplation of the Glory of Sq’waht. Allow not thy knees to drift inward like the twin sisters Scylla and Charybdis who unite for the destruction of seafarers.”
3:4 “If thou doest all these things, thou will be richly rewarded, for Mine is the Kingdom of To-Die-For Legs.”
BOOK 4 – Proverbs
4:1 If the bar be not bending, thou art merely pretending.
4:2 Friends do not let friends squat high.
4:3 Get thee under the bar and quit whining.
4:4 One obeisance to Sq’waht is better than a thousand leg lifts.
4:5 The long journey towards perfection begins with a single Sq’waht.