Continuing with our DEVICE OF DEATH theme, a Florida doctor is in the doghouse after declaring that donuts will kill you as sure as strychnine. Considering that this doctor served in Iraq, and thus has some comparative concept of things that will kill you, that’s pretty heavy shit. This dude must be serious. In any case, Big Donut got his ass fired.
Dr. Jason Newsom railed against burgers, french fries, fried chicken and sweet tea in his campaign to promote better eating in a part of Florida known as the Redneck Riviera. He might still be leading the charge if he had only left the doughnuts alone.
Newsom returned home from military service as an army doctor to run the Bay County Health Department and launched a one-man war on obesity by posting sardonic warnings on an electronic sign outside:
“Sweet Tea (equals) Liquid Sugar.”
“Hamburger (equals) Spare Tire.”
“French Fries (equals) Thunder Thighs.”
He also called out KFC by name to make people think twice about fried chicken.
Then he parodied “America Runs on Dunkin’,” the doughnut chain’s slogan, with: “America Dies on Dunkin’.”
Somewhat hilariously, he angered staff members by barring doughnuts from department meetings and announcing he would throw the fat-laden sweets away if he saw them in the break room. He also banned candy bars in the vending machines, putting in peanuts instead. (I say “hilariously” because presumably his coworkers would also be in some health-related occupation. Oh, the irony of medical staff becoming enraged because Boss takes away their sugared num-nums! I bet that asshole wouldn’t let them smoke in the office either! *shaking fist*)